Guilt

Someone once asked me, after being involved in the community some, if I ever have survivor guilt. Do I feel guilty that my son made it and others have not. Selfishly, I can answer no. That sounds horrible, doesn't it? I do not have guilt that my son is here. But there is guilt that I have a child here. Gosh, that doesn't make sense. From what I understand, survivor guilt is when you ask "why not me?" or in my case "why not my son?" And I don't think that. It also does not mean that my heart doesn't completely break when I hear of the struggles or passing of a heart kiddo. That doesn't mean that I don't cry every morning when I catch up on how each kiddo is doing. That doesn't mean that I don't pray for God to show his grace and offer peace. There is no guilt that my son is here. I feel incredibly blessed and pressured to make sure that LJ is a true testament to the grace God has and is an inspiration to those who are struggling with defects as well. Here is where the guilt (I guess you can call it guilt) lies. When talking to moms who have lost a child, I do feel incredibly guilty talking about LJ. If he is sick, if he is reaching milestones, if he is doing something incredibly goofy that makes me smile. I just can't bring myself to share LJ to those moms who are going through more than I am. I feel guilty because I can talk about that and they cannot. If LJ had a bad night I keep it to myself. I am sure that mom would have a million horrible nights if it meant that their child was back in their arms and doing as well as LJ is. It keeps me in perspective of things but almost makes me feel like I hide him away. Even after asking flat out if it bothers them, and it doesn't, I still can't do it. Or if something slips out, it immediately feel awful.