Conflicted

Conflicted. That is just how I have been feeling. I walked out of the Dr's office with LJ and my mom just repeating "He isn't any worse...He isn't any worse...that is all I could really ask for.." I am not sure if I was reassuring my mom or myself more during that time. I felt conflicted. One side of me wanted his valve replaced ASAP! Justification being that I would know blood flow would improve and that the right side of his heart would stop enlarging. The other side of me was glad that we could wait a bit because seeing my baby go into surgery, bypass, and recovery is HARD and there is always a chance of losing him due to the process.

Deep down I want Landon fixed and I want it to happen now. I want them to fix both of his valves so that I can have some peace. But will it bring peace? Surgery itself is risky. Open heart surgery is not simple. You are talking about placing my baby's body on a bypass machines while Dr's work on his HEART .... one of the main organs of his body. The surgery could end up not being successful. LJ's body could reject the replacement. Even if it accepts it, he will be on medications for the rest of his life so that reject is less of a possibility. There will be future surgeries to replace the valves when they are not big enough for his body needs and the cycles starts over. HOWEVER, leaving him in the state he is in now causes side effects that could be detrimental to his health as he gets older. There is no permanent "fix." As the Dr says "There is no fixing Lj's heart. We can reduce the side effects of the heart he was given."

I feel like I am in a free fall. Waiting to see what the research will tells us. Waiting to see what our Dr will say next year. A year. 365 days until we can figure out what we can do to help LJ's heart. That is a long time when you want NOW. Even if surgery can't happen NOW, just knowing WHEN to expect it would be some small relief.

Emotionally, I do well when talking to the Dr and going through all the tests with LJ. I do fine walking into the hospital. Leaving the hospital is different. I have left that hospital under so many different circumstances that it just all hits as I drive away. I hugged my mom good bye in the parking garage. After I passed her on the highway on my way back to our home town, I cried my eyes out. I sobbed. Why was I crying? Overall, the appointment was better than I anticipated yet I couldn't stop. Scared. Terrified. Lost. Anticipation. Fear of the unknown. My Baby. He has no idea. To him, this is his normal. Every kid goes through this, right? One day, probably next year, I will have to explain this to him. He will want to know WHY he is going to the Dr. Why are they running tests? Why does he have a scar on his chest when his sister (and no one else he knows) does? How do you tell this to a child? And when surgery time comes, how do you explain to them NOT to be afraid because, as a mom, I will be terrified??