Stop Googling? Wish I could...

So what happens after you leave the OB's office with a prenatal diagnositic of your unborn baby? You turn to google. I remember it well.

"large right atrium"

It was the first thing the Dr said. Baby LJ was not in great placement for further evaluation so we would have to return. But we were sent way with the note that his right atrium is enlarged. They didn't say what it could mean and off we went. It didn't really hurt so bad because the Dr said he couldn't tell why or if it really meant anything at all. We went home. I googled. What did I find? Nothing conclusive. Everything from "nothing at all" to "still birth." Two weeks later the first real diagnosis was made....Ebstein's Anomoly. I couldn't even remember what they called it. I was a bit more in shock. "It's real....It's there." I do remember those words. I go home and call my regular OB where they tell me that it is Ebstein's and that they want me to go in later for a birth plan as my hometown was not equipped to deal with heart conditions.

I turned to google....and cried. I read over and over.... "the younger the person is when diagnosed...the worse off they are....with prenatal diagnosis being severe." "low chances of surviving birth or the first year." "lifetime of surgeries." "increase chance of stillbirth.." It was hard...but I kept reading. I was told to "STOP GOOGLING!!!" but I couldn't help it. I felt like I needed to know every last thing there was to know about it. I felt like the Dr's were being a bit too vague. How could they not give me exactly how this will go for me and my baby??

LJ was born. He did survive. He did have surgeries and a few complications (added diagnosis of pulmonary stenosis) but for some reason I stopped googling after he was born. Somehow, all the negative outcomes faded. He was all I needed to know that we were OK.

I admit it. I "googled" last week. I googled ebstien's. Why? Not sure. There it was. All the negative outlooks. It was scary. I cried. I cried a lot. The research was sitting in front me of and I couln't push it back in my mind. Was it good for me to remember all of this? Did I need this to really grasp all he has been through and what a miracle he is to me? Maybe. All I know is that it might be awhile before I google again but I am sure it will happen again.

My advice: You can tell someone to stop google, but they won't. For some reason they need to. I dont know if it is a gain of control or a grasp of reality when you feel like everything around you crumbling....but it will happen. Just make sure it is educated googling.