I can't do it.

I wanted to get on here and tell you about my day. About not feeling well yesterday and the fight that my kids put up going to bed. That all changed when I turned on the computer. Another heart baby has been called home. 5. That makes FIVE heart babies called to Heaven this WEEK! WEEK! Not Months...ONE SINGLE WEEK. How do I light heartly talk about my evening when my day started like this? The tears start and will most likely continue through out today. I never held these babies. I never personally spoke with their moms. Heck, their moms probably have no idea that I sat in front of my computer rallying and praying for the little ones from afar. And yet I grieve for their loss. My heart aches knowing that they will no longer hold their child as I hold Landon everyday. Hearing the words that your child has a heart defect is hard. You feel so alone. You Google yourself to depression. You feel helpless. But then something happens. A fellow heart mom finds you or you stumble into a forum of heart moms and you realize something, you aren't alone. There are more out there like you thank you realize. They rally for each other. They pray for each other. They celebrate the good, mourn for the lost. Suddenly you feel surrounded in a tight community, most made of people you have never met and may never meet. For this I am greatful for when there are weeks like this, I know there are million prayers of peace being said.


.....I have to admit, selfishly I cry for myself and Landon. For this really reminds me of how fragile his life is. Somedays it is easy to forget it when he is full of such laughter and words. I remember he is sick but I am able to push back the possibility that he, too, may be called to Heaven before I am ready. Tears full of sadness....self-less and selfish. I can't help it. However, I think if everyone had to experience this once in their life, to know how cherished and fragile a life could be, this world would be a more loving place.