The Snow Frenzy

We (a collective "we" of the midwest) are about to experience a lot of snow/ice. It really is all I have heard about for the past 24 hours and probably all I will hear about for a week. Me? I am totally done with the snow. The first snow came early this year, the first week of December. Typically we don't see a good snow until mid January. I have seen blades of grass maybe twice since the first snow. I. AM. DONE. Yes, it is pretty. But once you have young children who are mobile, it is not fun. Why? Because your child needs to burn energy and having no place outside to do that is HARD. They get bored. They get cranky and that is contagious to parents. My kids are ready to play outside for an extended period of time, and rightly so. I am ready for the spring. Maybe constantly thinking that is just bringing more snow. My boss secretly told us to bring our computers home and consider working from home tomorrow. Hubby will still have to go in. Is it bad that I am contemplating having him bring the kids to daycare tomorrow on his way? He has 4 - wheel drive.......

I also think it is kind of funny to watch everyone run out to the stores and buy enough supplies to last until Memorial Weekend. Yes, there will be alot of snow, but the midwest is used to it. It will take 24 hours to clear the roads and everything will be fine. I did my weekly shopping yesterday and all the crazies were out. (sorry if that was you). It definitely made the trip twice as long.

Did you notice pictures are still lacking? I have two explanations for that and one is 3.5 and one is 1.5 years old. Bedtime has been less than pleasing, a post for another time...probably tomorrow. But with any glimmer of hope, there might be pictures posted tonight. Hubby if off playing basketball and the kids have no mercy on me.

Diaper Deal

Do you have one (or more) in diapers? While I am a HUGE fan of cloth diapering, I had to give it up when my son hit solids and I lived in an apartment (not washer/dryer of my own and NO WAY can I save up diapers the entire week when I would hit the laundry mat).

So Amazon has a fantastic club you can join called Amazon Mom. It is free, no strings attached. It gives you 15% off of diapers. Now get this...if you subscribe to get a shipment of diapers (one box or a million boxes) every 1, 2, 3, etc months, you get another 15% off!! Nice, huh? Want it to get better? Do you get American Baby magazine or Parenting magazine? There is a $10 off or 20% off coupon in there for Amazon diaper orders! Want it even better?? FREE 2nd day shipping on any Amazon Mom order!! So here is what I bought

120 Diapers to be delievered every two months for $23 and some change. BUT I had the 20% off so I get the first shipment for only $16!! SCORE! You can cancel the shipments anytime you want so you are not in a contract to buy for an entire year.

For some reason I can't post the address in here but if you go to Amazon.com and search for Huggies or Pampers diapers you can find the diapers you are looking for. Under the short description there will be a blue box with details.

I was "that" Mom

Hubby got a nice surprise bonus at work. Off we went to the local Mexican restaurant that we have been going to for years. When we started having kids, they would take them and walk them around the place so we could eat. They tend to hand them free things like candy or food. It is a good place and we enjoy going. Out kids PIG OUT on the rice and the chip with cheese dip. It really is a special treat for them. Like any respectable Mexican restaurant they have candy for sale in the front. If the Kait is good, she gets a piece (LJ isn't quite old enough yet but he has been known to sneak a few bites of my peppermint patty). There, the scene has been set....and some of you know where this is going.

If any of you ever had/have small children, you know that eating out can go incredibly well or incredibly not. Kait, like most 3.5 year olds who are excited, does not sit still very well. She was getting up and out of her chair and I kept reminding her to remain in her seat. So I did it, the warning "get out of your chair again, and you get no candy (laffy taffy)." I told her to look at me and said again " I am repeating this because it is important. Get out of your seat again and NO CANDY!." There, the rule was set and I was going to have to follow through, something that takes a lot of will power for me to do because, let's face it, I love making my kids happy.

About 3 minutes goes by and that girl was out of her seat. "Remember what I had said? You are now out of your seat. No Candy!!."

Enter hysterics. The lip comes out, tears well up and that long initial draw of a cry starts. "But I want candy." Stick to your guns.....stick to your guns..... "No 'mam. I said that if you got up, there would be no candy. So, no....no candy." That didn't really fix it. Instead she just started screaming, without a break "I want candy, I want candy, I want candy.." I knew what I had to do.....for the first time EVER I was going to have to remove my child from a public venue to do a tantrum.

That girl fought with all she had. Her little hands grabbed onto that door and seemed to be super glued. I had to remove each and every finger so I could get out the door, the entire time with her screaming and squirming so much I was worried I would end up just dropping her. She screamed the entire way to the car with people on the inside staring out at me... That mom... who can't control her child in public.....who has a spoiled child....who doesn't have her act together....who has a sugar crazed kid..

I placed her in the car (which was no small feat considering she was alike a cat being placed in a bathtub, arms and legs spread out so that she didn't fit through the doorway.), belted her in (in the process having to remove her shoes because she was kicking), and shut the door. I REALLY wanted to sit in the car. It was cold out...but my ears couldn't take it. I would open the door here and there to remind her that if she stopped screaming I would sit in the car with her. She didn't care for that option. Instead I stood by the door watching people walk by seeing my child screaming in the backseat of a car, and me, standing there and doing nothing but letting her get it out. I would smile as they pass, and you know what? I could tell who had child experiences, they smiled back. They knew. I wasn't a horrible mom. My kid is not a spoiled brat. She is not sugar crazed and is probably a pretty darn good kid. What I had was a child under the age of 5. Period. No other explanation needed.

I am the same way. When I see a mom struggling with a child (or several) in public and I can tell she is starting to feel stressed and embarrassed, I flash the "I understand" smile. She smiles back. Like a secret mom handshake.

Know what? That girl slept that night the best she has slept in nearly a week. As parents we felt good knowing that we followed through, she understood she was being reprimanded for her behavior, and overall, it turned out fine.

Have you had this experience? Feel free to share :)

I can't do it.

I wanted to get on here and tell you about my day. About not feeling well yesterday and the fight that my kids put up going to bed. That all changed when I turned on the computer. Another heart baby has been called home. 5. That makes FIVE heart babies called to Heaven this WEEK! WEEK! Not Months...ONE SINGLE WEEK. How do I light heartly talk about my evening when my day started like this? The tears start and will most likely continue through out today. I never held these babies. I never personally spoke with their moms. Heck, their moms probably have no idea that I sat in front of my computer rallying and praying for the little ones from afar. And yet I grieve for their loss. My heart aches knowing that they will no longer hold their child as I hold Landon everyday. Hearing the words that your child has a heart defect is hard. You feel so alone. You Google yourself to depression. You feel helpless. But then something happens. A fellow heart mom finds you or you stumble into a forum of heart moms and you realize something, you aren't alone. There are more out there like you thank you realize. They rally for each other. They pray for each other. They celebrate the good, mourn for the lost. Suddenly you feel surrounded in a tight community, most made of people you have never met and may never meet. For this I am greatful for when there are weeks like this, I know there are million prayers of peace being said.


.....I have to admit, selfishly I cry for myself and Landon. For this really reminds me of how fragile his life is. Somedays it is easy to forget it when he is full of such laughter and words. I remember he is sick but I am able to push back the possibility that he, too, may be called to Heaven before I am ready. Tears full of sadness....self-less and selfish. I can't help it. However, I think if everyone had to experience this once in their life, to know how cherished and fragile a life could be, this world would be a more loving place.

Missing Something

So this place is missing something....

.....Pictures! I really need to get pictures of my sweet little ones on here! They are, in my unbiased opinion, rather cute. The good ol' hubby is playing basketball tonight. So, if my kids are nice to me and go to bed reasonably, I will post some pictures tonight. However, my dear 3.5 year old daughter tends to be rather dramatic at night and the entire process can pretty much take all night. She is going to be a great actress one day, make great money, and support me. So I will take the abuse now so that I can be her agent later on and live in a sweet house. Dreaming? Probably but that doesn't mean she isn't a great actress right now ;)

Stop Googling? Wish I could...

So what happens after you leave the OB's office with a prenatal diagnositic of your unborn baby? You turn to google. I remember it well.

"large right atrium"

It was the first thing the Dr said. Baby LJ was not in great placement for further evaluation so we would have to return. But we were sent way with the note that his right atrium is enlarged. They didn't say what it could mean and off we went. It didn't really hurt so bad because the Dr said he couldn't tell why or if it really meant anything at all. We went home. I googled. What did I find? Nothing conclusive. Everything from "nothing at all" to "still birth." Two weeks later the first real diagnosis was made....Ebstein's Anomoly. I couldn't even remember what they called it. I was a bit more in shock. "It's real....It's there." I do remember those words. I go home and call my regular OB where they tell me that it is Ebstein's and that they want me to go in later for a birth plan as my hometown was not equipped to deal with heart conditions.

I turned to google....and cried. I read over and over.... "the younger the person is when diagnosed...the worse off they are....with prenatal diagnosis being severe." "low chances of surviving birth or the first year." "lifetime of surgeries." "increase chance of stillbirth.." It was hard...but I kept reading. I was told to "STOP GOOGLING!!!" but I couldn't help it. I felt like I needed to know every last thing there was to know about it. I felt like the Dr's were being a bit too vague. How could they not give me exactly how this will go for me and my baby??

LJ was born. He did survive. He did have surgeries and a few complications (added diagnosis of pulmonary stenosis) but for some reason I stopped googling after he was born. Somehow, all the negative outcomes faded. He was all I needed to know that we were OK.

I admit it. I "googled" last week. I googled ebstien's. Why? Not sure. There it was. All the negative outlooks. It was scary. I cried. I cried a lot. The research was sitting in front me of and I couln't push it back in my mind. Was it good for me to remember all of this? Did I need this to really grasp all he has been through and what a miracle he is to me? Maybe. All I know is that it might be awhile before I google again but I am sure it will happen again.

My advice: You can tell someone to stop google, but they won't. For some reason they need to. I dont know if it is a gain of control or a grasp of reality when you feel like everything around you crumbling....but it will happen. Just make sure it is educated googling.

Couponing

So to get off the heavy stuff. Let's chat about saving money and couponing. I love coupons...I really do. IF they are for what I want/need. I get a big thrill out of seeing the money I save when I use them. Even if I only save $2 a week, that is over $100 a year! But I have a beef with coupons and those who use them. I have seen those who extreme coupon! You know...the people who get $300 worth of groceries for like $10 (ok, a bit over exaggerated, but not much). But here is my question....

How much of that do you need and use? How much of that did you buy because it was a good deal? How much of it was neccessary? How much of that will just sit in your house and ever get used? How much of that food do you actually want your family eating??

Can you see where I am going with this? I was reading up on someone who coupons...bragging about the stash she has of everything in her house. And we are talking like more than 10 of one particular item! She then went on to say that she had to eventually put some of it in a garage sale and something tells me that she didn't get her money back. Do you need 10 bottles of shampoo in your house? Is the shelf life long enough that you can keep it like that?

I see that a lot of my consumer goods coupons are for candles, air fresheners, etc. I have do have air fresheners in the bathroom. It is obviously there will be a point that it will smell. We have had the same can in the bathroom for well over 6 months. At that rate it would take me over 5 years to use 10 bottles!! NO THANKS!

I think the hardest problem I have is with food. Everyone wants to save money on food. But there is also a compromise of the nutrition. I see an overwhelming amount of coupons and sales for pizza, breaded/fried items, etc. Things that I really try to limit in my house. I am not perfect. YOu will find brownies here from time to time. We have chips. We do eat pizza. But not at the rate one would have to eat to dramatically lower my shopping bill at the end of the day.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I have a hard time saving extreme amounts of money due to the restrictions above. I really have one or two stock of the things I use all the time. I make sure coupons of things that I definitely use (diapers, peanut butter, granola bars, laundry detergent, etc) never expire if I don't have a few back ups. I tend to toss coupons of things that I dont' really care for in my house. If I want chips, I will pay full price (or the store sale price) because that is the price I pay for bringing something unhealthy in my house (and we do get chips). I buy genertic where i have tested and found to be no difference. I buy meat in bulk, divide and freeze, free overstock of anything I can, double up manufactor's coupons with store coupons, etc.

That being said, I saved 41% on my last grocery store purchase :)

He doesn't look sick

If you really wanted to make my blood boil and tears come to my eyes between the dates of April 3, 2009 (LJ's bday) or about Feb 2010, you would have said the title of this post. I heard this alot after LJ left the hospital. By all accounts, if you looked at him, you would have no idea he was sick. He was 1 oz shy of 8 lbs when he was born a month early. He has big bright blue eyes and just really handsome (see below).

I always thought "that is a terrible thing to say...he is sick...he is pretty darn sick at that!!" It made me angry. I am not sure if it is because I felt they didn't grasp the intensity of his defects or if it just a constant reminder that he is sick. It was (and still is hard) to explain Landon's condition enough where the intensity was understood. Many are under the assumption that Landon will be or is fixed. That he is fine now that he had surgery. "Boy, it sure was scary when Landon was going through all of that...I am glad that is behind him now." Ouch. Again, it hurts, because he will never be "fixed." There is nothing that a Dr can make his heart better to the point where we will never have to worry ever again. Everday will be a contact check within my mind. How does he look? Anything blue? How is he breathing? Is it faster than normal? Wonder what his oxygen levels are? He will constantly be monitored and checked. Sometimes days will go by , sometimes weeks, before I will be reminded that he is more fragile than he will ever look.

Things have changed a bit since Feb 2010. The phrase "he doesn't look sick" doesn't quite anger me as much. I feel kind of happy about it because he DOES look great. He IS doing well right now and it is great to see. But it still stings. Only because it brings my head out of the clouds....I will alway say to myself "but he IS sick...he always will be."

I have an entire other post (maybe more) on the many things people have said that really aren't as nice...you would be suprised the comments that arise when you are due with/or have a sick child.

I just want to blurt it out!

Kaitlyn has been in some form of gymnastics since she was about 21 months old...the same age Landon is now. She loves it and I like that it helps build her gross motor skills. I want the same for Landon. I am going to sign him up at The Little Gym. I am excited to do this with him but I worry. Why? Let me tell you.

Heart babies can fall behind in gross/fine motor and speech. They spend a good deal of their life recovering...from catherizations of the heart, from surgery, from illnesses that hit them harder due to a weakended state, etc. They are just behind and I am totally OK with it. I am overjoyed at every small milestone he hits due to the same reason he is hitting them late. The fact that he is here with us on this Earth and hitting milestones, whenever it is that he hits them, is a miracle unto itself and I cherish them all. HOWEVER, it is hard when LJ is around a bunch of kids his age and the difference really shows. LJ doesn't care in the least. He is thrilled. BUT it bothers me. It shouldn't but it does. I feel the parents noticing his lack in skills. I feel them evaluating me as a parent. "I bet that kid sits in front of a TV all day." " I bet she works so much she barely takes time with her kids." Irrational? TOTALLY! Can I stop it? No. I want to rip off his shirt, show off his scar and show them all exactly everything he has been through. I want to share that he has been through more than people go through an entire lifetime and he isn't even two. I don't want the sympathy but I feel like I need to explain his past to everyone so that I don't feel judged. I also want them all to know so that they feel as proud of him as I do. That he now says "momma" feels a million times better than it would have had he not been through all he has. It's my own complex.

I will sign him up. I will take him. I won't rip his shirt off. I am sure it might come up eventually in small talk with other parents since it is a parent/tot class but I will sit back and try to enjoy the fact that my son is HERE. And not only here, but not in a hospital right now. Not hooked up to machines, not getting echos, not getting poked. He is HERE and enjoying running around like a toddler who has drank an entire can of Mountain Dew (no, he does not get soda or nor caffeine, this kid doesn't need artifical energy).

Yep, that's all.

What will be here?

So I struggle with what I will write about here....well more along the lines of which way will this blog go? Should I allow friends and family to know about it? In that respect I would feel inclined to write about what we do as a family, post pics of the kids, talk about the small ups and downs our family is going through on a daily basis. Could I really write how I feel? I would worry about hurting feelings, or sharing too much, or showing how hard somethings have hit me going through life. It is hard for me to let those who are closest to me know about struggles and things that bug me. What if they did one of the things that bugged me? I don't like hurting feelings. Should I blog about the fun craft things I do? I do love doing crafty things! Should I blog about the thrill I get out of couponing and finding good sales?? Do I blog about how hard it is being a mom to a heart baby? Do I blog about how hard it is to see friends losing their heart babies all too soon?

So I am torn what I should do. For now I will write. I don't quite know when I will let it be known that this blog exists. So if you are looking for what will actually be written here, I HAVE NO IDEA YET!

Here we go!

So it seriously has been incredibly too long since I have posted. There are many physical and emotional reasons for this and I am sure as I write more, they will come out. It is obviously too much for one post, or even several. But I did promise myself that I would start this blog back up and running. I will hit major highlights.

LJ did have his open heart surgery on August 5, 2009. He did great. We were out of the hospital within a week and besides some pain managment issues, everything was fine. We had a check up a week or so after and the another in Feb of 2010. The bad news is that the surgery was not as successful as they had hoped it would be. They did a corrective surgery where they cut away the restrictive part of LJ's pulmonary valve and replaced it with a flap. The valve went from being too restrictive to being too loose. LJ's heart is now regurgitating (being blood back into the heart) through the pulmonary and tricuspid valve. He cannot sustain this forever. His cardiologist said there will come a time when he will just get really sick and they will fix it then. *sigh* Nice. LJ ended up with tubes (for his ears) at the end of January. The end of March brought a 5 day hospital stay brought on by a bacterial infection that he couldn't kick. Since then he has been doing great. We have had early intervention for his speech and that is really picking up . He is walking, talking and just all around handsome.

Kaitlyn has grown so much in the past year. Her vacabulary is enough to blow my mind. She is smart as a whip knowing her letters by site and their sounds. She can count to infinity (or so it seems), she knows her shapes, colors, animals, etc. She is now learning addition and all before she has even turned four. She is a sponge who asks to do homework in her free time. I indulge her since it is her request. She has started gymnastics at a real gymnastics gym and is loving it. She is making lots of friends and has started going to birthday parties, which she LOVES!

Myself? Well I finally graduated! In between Dr appointments, surgeries, hospital stays, illnesses, I somehow managed to graduate. I started working at the US Army Corps of Engineers here in Champaign as a post doc and hopefully will be brought to the federal level soon.

Jim? Well he has moved to the day shift! PRAISE THE LORD! Shortly after graduating, Jim was able to move to a position at the local hospital surgery center and works the day shift now. Life is finally back on track and we have a normal family dynamic that I will never take for granted again.

We moved! Yes, we bought a house here in town! A nice two story (though I wish it were a ranch) in a great subdivision full of kids. We love the space (1990 sq ft with 990 ft of basement) and the fenced in yard! We have slowly started filling it. Kaitlyn has a new bedroom set that she boasts about to everyone. We have a new bedroom set with a king sized bed! No more fighting for space! We bought a new camper and plan on many camping trips this year. Oh and right after Thanksgiving our Saturn met it's demise as Jim was struck (everyone is OK). So we now have a 2010 Pontiac G6. Until we bought it, I had no idea there was a song about it. Now everyone hums it when I tell them what we bought.

So there you have it. This is the start. There will be more to come but I wanted to hit the high lights.