Why do I???

Why do I feel so disturbed when someone tries tell me about a child who is worse off than Landon? It kind of angers me. It might be because I feel that they don't truly '"get it." They don't realize what we have been through with him or the uncertainty in his life. I completely understand that there are a lot of kids who are not doing as well as Landon. Or whose hearts are worse off, or who are going through cancer, or who are terminal. I get that. I know it. I guess I feel that if they truly understood it from the perspective that I have, they wouldn't even mention it. I mean, it is really fair to compare sick kids? I feel angry when it happens. I feel like I need to counter them, but I don't. I feel as though they are devaluing Landon's experiences.

Why do I feel so compelled to read every heart baby blog? And not just heart babies, other critical ill kiddos. Let's be honest, there is not always a good ending. And yet, I read on. Constantly reminding myself that there are babies who are not as fortunate as Landon, whose battles have ended much sooner than any parent would choose...It's nearly torture. OK, it is torture. But I can't help it. I just do. I add to prayer list. I cry tears that the other moms may never know about for their child.

Why do I feel like everyone must know about my boy? Is it because I want attention for myself? or for him? No, not really. But I am really proud of my boy. I really do want everyone to know just how special he is and just how much he has already gone through. I don't blurt it out everywhere......but I want to.

Sometimes I feel like I would like to take a step back and remove myself from the heart community that I love. And it isn't because they have done anything wrong. It is great to be connected to other heart mommies. The support you get is UNREAL and UNMATCHED. However, I feel as though my heart becomes so overloaded with others situations that I am not taking in everything I should. But then I feel awful for even thinking about.

These are things I never even thought about before knowing of LJ's heart. These are definitely not the things I thought I would ever have to think about or that I would even consider thinking about. Crazy how so much changes that you never thought would when your son becomes a statistic......... 1 in a 100.