It's that time

Landon's cardiology appointment is Monday. He hasn't been back since last February which is great. He has been sick between then and now. He has had echo's and xrays but nothing seriously enough to bring us back to St. Louis Children's. I knew that nerves would get to me but I didn't think it would be this bad. It reminds me of the days leading up this open heart surgery: walking around with an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, crying here and there, squeezing him extra tight. LJ has yet to have an appointment where his heart function was where the Dr's wanted it to be. Failed balloon catherizations, high pressures, etc. Then we found out last Feb that his surgery wasn't completely successful. Instead of restricted valves, they are too loose. The efficiency of his heart will continue to drop until it is obvious that surgical intervention is needed. I am not sure I am ready to hear for certain that the function is dropping even though I know it is. For some reason, talking with the Dr's about his condition makes it even more real. Don't get me wrong, I feel the "realness" everyday but for some reason, in a hospital setting, it just sets in more. So does sitting in a waiting room of heart kiddos, some in good shape, others not.

Anyway, I am nervous. Functioning today at work is taking everything I have. I just want to jump in my car and be in St Louis. Just that small step bring comfort. I am sure I will update here Monday night (or Tuesday, depending on timing). Until then, here is a beautiful poem that I snatched up from a good friend.

A CHILD LOANED


I'll lend you for a little time
a child of mine," He said,
"for you to love the whole while he lives.
It may be six or seven years
or twenty-two or three,
but will you, till I call him back,
take care of him for me?"

"He'll bring his charm to gladden you,
and should his stay be brief,
you'll have his lovely memories
as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise he will stay
since all from earth return,
but there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn."

"I've looked this wide world over
in my search for teachers true,
and from the things that crowd life's lane
I have selected you."

"Now will you give him all your love
nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call
and take him back again?"

"I fancied that I heard them say
'Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
for all the joy the child shall bring
the risk of grief we'll run.'

'We'll shelter him with tenderness;
We'll love him while we may,
and for the happiness we've known
forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
and try to understand.'"

*Edgar Guest