It's that time

Landon's cardiology appointment is Monday. He hasn't been back since last February which is great. He has been sick between then and now. He has had echo's and xrays but nothing seriously enough to bring us back to St. Louis Children's. I knew that nerves would get to me but I didn't think it would be this bad. It reminds me of the days leading up this open heart surgery: walking around with an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, crying here and there, squeezing him extra tight. LJ has yet to have an appointment where his heart function was where the Dr's wanted it to be. Failed balloon catherizations, high pressures, etc. Then we found out last Feb that his surgery wasn't completely successful. Instead of restricted valves, they are too loose. The efficiency of his heart will continue to drop until it is obvious that surgical intervention is needed. I am not sure I am ready to hear for certain that the function is dropping even though I know it is. For some reason, talking with the Dr's about his condition makes it even more real. Don't get me wrong, I feel the "realness" everyday but for some reason, in a hospital setting, it just sets in more. So does sitting in a waiting room of heart kiddos, some in good shape, others not.

Anyway, I am nervous. Functioning today at work is taking everything I have. I just want to jump in my car and be in St Louis. Just that small step bring comfort. I am sure I will update here Monday night (or Tuesday, depending on timing). Until then, here is a beautiful poem that I snatched up from a good friend.

A CHILD LOANED


I'll lend you for a little time
a child of mine," He said,
"for you to love the whole while he lives.
It may be six or seven years
or twenty-two or three,
but will you, till I call him back,
take care of him for me?"

"He'll bring his charm to gladden you,
and should his stay be brief,
you'll have his lovely memories
as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise he will stay
since all from earth return,
but there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn."

"I've looked this wide world over
in my search for teachers true,
and from the things that crowd life's lane
I have selected you."

"Now will you give him all your love
nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call
and take him back again?"

"I fancied that I heard them say
'Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
for all the joy the child shall bring
the risk of grief we'll run.'

'We'll shelter him with tenderness;
We'll love him while we may,
and for the happiness we've known
forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
and try to understand.'"

*Edgar Guest

Gymnastics Update

So LJ has had about three classes now and seems to enjoy himself. :) He definitely isn't as focused as Kaitlyn was but he does have fun. He tends to wonder off more (which is OK in the tot class) than to stay on the mat during group time. He loves to climb on EVERYTHING! He isn't a fan of the bar except the low one to swing on but he does enjoy it. And he LOVES the balance beam! Anything else? Forget it. He rather just climb. At this age, as long as he is having a good time that is all that matters. Then "IT" happened.

There is another boy in Landon's class who, by what I can tell, is about two months older than Landon. He does have quite the vocabulary. Landon likes to follow him around a bit. I could see the mom...sizing up Landon. LJ is quite shorter than the rest of the class (he has always been quite the nugget, only 19 inches when he was born). With his delay in language and some gross motor it would be easy to confuse him with a much younger child. Then she asked it..... "How old is he??" She might of just said (at least in my mind) "I noticed that your child is much more delayed than mine but since they are in the same class I would imagine they are the same age. So go ahead and tell me how old he is so that I feel better that my son is progressing better than yours....." OK, she might not of had those intentions when saying it, but that is what I hear.

I knew it would happen. It is obvious that LJ does not contain the same set of skills as the rest of the kids in the class. The range in the class is rather large (20 months - 36 months) but LJ is definitely the shortest, definitely the least verbal, etc. I know he is fine. I know he is doing great. But when someone asks me how old LJ is, in this context, I want to start off with the fact of WHY he is delayed before I even get to how old he is. But I don't. I just told her that he will be 2 in April and LJ ran another direction. As I went to follow, she leaned over and said something to her husband. I boiled.

All that matters is that LJ is having a good time. I just have to remind myself of that. He is happy there and it is our special one-on-one time together :) Can I just get several t-shirts made saying "I am a special heart kid! I am my mom's hero!" and make him wear them everyday ?? Really, it would just make my life easier mentally :)

That's My Kaitlyn

I wanted to post about the family reunion but for some reason this memory of my daughter came up . There are just some stories that just define her...that when I think of them, I think "yes, that is my Kaitlyn." And this was one of them.

I made a few friends in graduate school. One (and still is a dear friend) was also a labmate, Zakiah. Before I go on let me point something out. I am white as is my wonderful husband. We always joked that our children don't stand a chance as we both have a complexion that would put a freshly painted picket fence to shame. Also known as pasty. And we did bless our kids with the same complexion. As a parent, you wonder how your kids perceive different races/colors. Zakiah is black (and incredibly beautiful, by the way). She is one of the happiest, most optimistic person I know. She is heavily involved in her church. She has such spirit and shine in her that you just smile when you see her. Zakiah was over one afternoon as Jim and I had to step out for a few hours (though I don't remember why). This was definitely not the first time Kaitlyn has met Zakiah but it was the first time they had one-on-one time. Kaitlyn made friends with Zakiah super fast. In fact, she still constantly asks about "Kiah." We came home and Kaitlyn was was sitting with next to Zakiah, captivated by what ever book they were reading. She interrupted with "Zakiah?"
"yes....." was the reply.
"you're brown"
"yes I am."
"ok!"
and they finished their book. That really is my daughter. She really does like to voice her observations but takes them all at face value. She stated it out of pure observation and nothing else. It meant nothing more to her. And the smile on Zakiah's face when this big revelation happened was priceless as well. I think I will always remember that moment.

CVS week of Feb 20th

We had an amazing weekend at the Wilson family reunion. That will be a post for tomorrow (ie I have the day off and the kiddos will go to preschool) when there is more time.

I headed to do my CVS weekly shopping.

What I took advantage of

7up/A&W/Sunkist soad 3/$10 (already a good deal) with $3 bonus back

Small package of cabury robin's eggs 75 cents with 75 cent back

jelly beans 99 cents with 99 cents back

starbuck frappuchino 2/$4 (it was along weekend, we needed it) and i had a $1 printable from the cvs kiosk from last week

colgate total $2.99 with $2 bonus back (bought 2)

Total was $24 (and some change) used $14 from bonus last week. Total bill was $10 (and some change) with nearly $8 back for next trip. SWEET!

at the kiosk (what printed out today) $1 off $5 cough/cold items $2 off reese pieces drops and minis (which I have a coupon for)

CVS this week

Kind of good deals going on this week. I hit up CVS on Sunday.

Coke products (12 packs) were 3 for $10 a good price to start with. But there were $3 bonus back

My husband's Speed Stick was $2.99 (typically $3.30 at wal mart) but with $2 bonus back

Colgate Total was $3.79 a piece (not a great deal) but $3.79 bonus back.

I had $5 bonus from previous purchases.

So my $22 purchase was $17 and I now have $13.98 bonus back. Not bad.

So here is how I saved: See the toothpaste? I got equal amount of bonus bucks back. So if I use that $3.79 on something that I would typically buy at a good price (say it was $4 ish) then it is like I got the toothpaste for free. And since I could buy two of them...I have two free ones :)

Why do I???

Why do I feel so disturbed when someone tries tell me about a child who is worse off than Landon? It kind of angers me. It might be because I feel that they don't truly '"get it." They don't realize what we have been through with him or the uncertainty in his life. I completely understand that there are a lot of kids who are not doing as well as Landon. Or whose hearts are worse off, or who are going through cancer, or who are terminal. I get that. I know it. I guess I feel that if they truly understood it from the perspective that I have, they wouldn't even mention it. I mean, it is really fair to compare sick kids? I feel angry when it happens. I feel like I need to counter them, but I don't. I feel as though they are devaluing Landon's experiences.

Why do I feel so compelled to read every heart baby blog? And not just heart babies, other critical ill kiddos. Let's be honest, there is not always a good ending. And yet, I read on. Constantly reminding myself that there are babies who are not as fortunate as Landon, whose battles have ended much sooner than any parent would choose...It's nearly torture. OK, it is torture. But I can't help it. I just do. I add to prayer list. I cry tears that the other moms may never know about for their child.

Why do I feel like everyone must know about my boy? Is it because I want attention for myself? or for him? No, not really. But I am really proud of my boy. I really do want everyone to know just how special he is and just how much he has already gone through. I don't blurt it out everywhere......but I want to.

Sometimes I feel like I would like to take a step back and remove myself from the heart community that I love. And it isn't because they have done anything wrong. It is great to be connected to other heart mommies. The support you get is UNREAL and UNMATCHED. However, I feel as though my heart becomes so overloaded with others situations that I am not taking in everything I should. But then I feel awful for even thinking about.

These are things I never even thought about before knowing of LJ's heart. These are definitely not the things I thought I would ever have to think about or that I would even consider thinking about. Crazy how so much changes that you never thought would when your son becomes a statistic......... 1 in a 100.

Anton and my softness

I love babies. It's true. I would foster a million babies if I could. I would love to open my home to babies/kids that just don't have a loving/stable home. I am just built and wired that way. I want to reach out and bring them close and let them know someone does love them. Then a link came across my view about Anton. Anton and his twin brother were being carried by a serogate mother. When the twins were born it was clear that Anton had a skin disorder called Butterfly Skin. He bruises upon touch. He is sensative. His genetic parents picked up his brother and left Anton at the hospital where he has remained. This tugs at my heart strings more than I can even express. This boy is left swaddled in his crib all day long. To find more details, go here

http://www.helpanton.org/

I want him. I want him in my home and I want him to know love outside of a hospital. There is no cure. But he has the same chance to live a long and happy life just a more careful one. His chances of adoption in Russia is so minute. I will be thinking and praying for his boy constantly.

Tolerance

We got quite the bit of sleet (4 inches) and snow (4 inches). The roads are pretty clear but still are a bit slick. I had happily dropped the kids off at preschool and was headed to work this morning. I sat at the intersection, waiting to turn onto a busy road. Now, I do not live in a big city. It is an ok sized city, more suburban than anything. Typically I don't mind whipping myself into the lane that I am trying to turn onto but when things are icy, I try to wait a bit. Mostly because if another car is coming, they might not get to slow down on the ice. So there I sat, waiting for a decent turn when the guy behind me LAID ON THE HORN! Let me also add that I was there less than a minute. A few seconds later a decent turn came so I took it and the guy behind me whipped out also, about 2 inches from my back end!!! Seriously, guy?

So we were at a light immediately after the turn. Half of me wanted to stick my arm out the window and give him the one finger salute. But that is just rude and I wouldn't want kids to see that but I was kind of angry. I then wanted to get out of my car in that standstill and knock on his window. "Excuse me sir, but you don't have to honk at me. I feel I waited an appropriate and safe amount of time before I had to turn. " I didn't. Just sat there.

So we turn....he enters into the other lane after the turn and takes off. What bumper sticker do I see on the back of his car....wait for it....this is classic..


TOLERANCE!

Yes, Tolerance. That is what it said. Then next to it was a nice bumper sticker with "coexistence" on it.

Nice, dude. Nice.

To Save A Dollar, A new adventure

So I am going to try something out. CVS. It's a pharmacy/overpriced convenience store. What could it possibly do for me? CVS bonus bucks. I think that is what it is called. What it is, is money that they give back to you in the form of store credit when you buy certain things. How can this work for you and me is something I am investigating.

Step 1 of this process was going to CVS and filling out information to get their card. It costs nothing to get this card. Basically they like it because they can track your buying patterns and get data for themselves. It works for US because you use it to get sale prices at their store.

BE AWARE! Sale prices at CVS are typically the price you would pay on a regular day, say at Walmart. But there are a few scattered in there where it is a good deal no matter how you slice it. The goal is to look for the deals that are equal to or better than what you pay now, easy right?

So let's take an example from last week. They had a sale 5 -12 packs for $15 and then you get $5 bonus bucks back. So 5 -12 packs for $15 is a good sale anywhere. Walmart price on a 12 pack is $4.28 and here it makes it $3. We drink soda regularly so this is a good deal. PLUS it gave me $5 on my next purchase which is also a great deal IF YOU USE IT ON ANOTHER GOOD DEAL. Use it on something that is regularly priced and you get no deal really. That day I also purchased mouth wash for $3.99 and got $3.99 back in bonus cash. So if I use that $3.99 to buy something that I normally would buy at a price that I normally pay (or less) then it is like getting the mouth wash for free, right? GOOD DEAL! So I walked out of that store spending $20-ish dollars with $8.99 for something else.

NOW, this gets better. I hope not more confusing. So let's say there is a good sale on something you normally buy. PLUS you found a coupon (online, in the news paper, etc). EVEN BETTER. you still get the same amount of bonus money back no matter what you take off using coupons. NICE, huh?

Want it even better? CVS has store coupons. They can email them to you. They have a kiosk inside the store that, if you scan your card, will shoot out store coupons. You can put these coupons WITH manufacturer's coupons (ones from the newpaper) to save even more!! In some cases you kind of make money. Example

Product A is on sale for $4 plus you get $2 bonus cash back
You have a coupon from the newpaper for $2 off
You have a store coupon for $1 off

In the end you pay $1 but walk out with $2 in bonus cash ....so really you are up $1.


OK, this is enough to make your head spin for a while. I will probably go more into detail as this works out more. But as for now, I have spent about $45 on about $100 worth of products that I USE! I also want to say that I am now completely stocked up on shampoo that unless another ad comes out where bonus bucks equals the price, I will not buy more shampoo for a while. Two back ups is all we need for a good 4-5 months.

** I really want to make the disclaimer that I only buy things that I use. I don't buy things just because I get bonus money back. That defeats the purpose. I do not want a house full of things I can't use. I really suggest only buying things that you typically buy. **